Pack Creek Ranch, San Juan County, Utah
The beginning of January, 2010
Cold and much new snow
(Note: this is a follow-up to a previous essay written 10 days ago – scroll down below to – “Hunting and Being Haunted.”
Read or re-read that so that what follows makes sense.)
SHIPPING NEWS
Considerable thought has gone into my flying deer dilemma.
They continue leaping at me when I am on foot in the dark.
I do not wish to hurt them or eliminate them.
I just want to unhinge their minds and keep them at a distance.
I want them to run like hell in the opposite direction when they know I’m coming down my path on the way to a peaceful morning’s work or on the way back up to my house late at night.
I want them to dread my coming and never try to pile-drive me again.
Guns or grenades or flares or bows-and-arrows are out, of course.
But I am now armed.
With a commercial-grade boat horn, driven by compressed air.
“Marine Big Horn – Grand Siren” - manufactured by Flamm Technologies in Cadillac, Michigan – for boats up to 65 feet.”
“One horn blast – going to starboard.
Two blasts – going to port.
Three blasts – going astern.
Four blasts – danger.”
These horns are commonly used on waterways to notify operators to open bridges, and to signal any vessel movement.
They are also employed to warn of impending boat collision.
Or in case of imminent deer assault.
I went to sleep last night smiling, imagining what the deer will think in the morning of the sound announcing the approach of a large tug boat.
Here he comes – move a little closer – wait, wait, wait . . . Now! Jump!
But before they can make the leap of terror, they will hear:
UNGA-POOOOOOOOT! UNGA-POOOOOOOT!
UNGA-POOOOOOOOT! UNGA-POOOOOOOT!
Four blasts – impending collision.
Some deer can fly. Santa Claus knows.
I imagine the deer suddenly way up on the ridge above my house.
What the hell was that? Don’t know. Don’t want to know. Don’t go back.
______________
And so?
What can I tell you?
The first time I tried the horn was when I came in the door after a shopping trip to downtown Moab.
If you push the horn button inside the house – when your companion doesn’t know you have it . . . well, you can imagine . . .
However it may work on deer, I can testify that it works well on one woman.
In fact, if I had known she could scream like that, I wouldn’t have bought the horn – just had her go ahead of me down the path, and I’d prod her with a sharp stick from time to time, and she could shriek at the deer.
I can also testify if you employ the horn inside your house you will not be able to hear for awhile.
Likewise if you fire it inside your car.
I can tell you that if you leave the horn out on the kitchen table, it is certain that some visitor will pick it up, ask “How does this thing work.” and push the button before you can say, “Don’t . .”
But, by then they will have answer to their question.
So - it is the case that this horn-in-a-can works – at least on people.
It also works on coyotes.
They moved way off down the valley when I pointed it in their direction while they were doing their evening choir practice close by my front porch.
Ok, Ok, get to the point.
How about the deer?
Beyond my wildest hopes.
Four blasts did it.
See if from the point of view of my leaping assailants:
Imagine the daily action meeting called by the senior deer:
I’m sorry, but I don’t know what to tell you . . .
Sire, would you mind speaking louder, we can’t hear you.
I SAID I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THE SOUND WAS, BUT JUST STAY AWAY FROM THE PATH WHERE THE BIG FUZZY THING WALKS. YOU MIGHT GET HURT OR ELSE GO DEAF”
“What did you say?”
